State of Mind
by by7the7sea
Summary: John's state of mind during Modus Vivendi, from the point the strike team finds them to the end of the episode. I need help. I seem to have an addiction to trying to get into John's or Jedikiah's mind.


Disclaimer: The Tomorrow People is the property of the CW. No copyright infringement is intended.

xxx TTP xxx

Jed's yelling at me to shoot the agent ... to kill him. I hear him, but can't do it. Cassie's death - accidental or not - is too fresh in my mind. I do not want, will not have more blood on my hands. So I stop pointing the gun at the agent and put my hands up in a placating manner letting him know I will not kill him. He teleports away. I try to stay calm and go close the door. Jed is yelling at me again. I know this is bad, when reinforcements show up that will be it ... no more chances to save Roger.

To even think that there is a chance to save him is almost unbelievable. But I have hope, I have to. What better way to atone for shooting and killing him than helping him live again?

When Jed points the gun at Roger and threatens to destroy him, I realize what needs to be done. We need to get out of here, but we are on our own. I will not put anybody else at risk of losing the truce with the Founder. I have to do this and, in many ways, I don't deserve the truce.

"Jed" is all I need to say to get his attention.

The only plan I can come up with is to get to the Lair, get Roger to the Lair. It is simple, but risky. I teleport Jed to the Lair then come back for Roger. I have to be fast because Ultra is closing in on us.

Once we are safely at the Lair, I have to take a few moments and step away from the chaos to try to deal with what is going on. The stress of everything that is happening all of a sudden ... dodging Ultra, trying to keep Jed safe and take care of Roger. Not sure I can take it. I'm exhausted. Must be the mental, no, the emotional strain.

We were just standing guard, then Ultra showed up. We were able to take care of the first group, but there would have been little we could do against the next wave, which was just coming through the door as I was able to get Roger and teleport out.

When Jed revealed Roger's body to me, I couldn't believe it. Thought I must be dreaming, because this couldn't be happening. Could there be hope that I didn't actually kill him, he may still live?

Roger, his lifeless body, still looked dead. I avoid looking at the hole in his chest, the one I put there. Can he still be brought back? I thought freezing people's bodies was still a science fiction ideal. Ha, WE are something out of science fiction. Yet, it is still so hard to believe Roger can live again.

I hear someone teleport in and it's Stephen. Should have known he would be showing up any second. Of course he's frantic to know what we did with his dad's body.

"He's here," I tell Stephen then follow him to the training room, not venturing farther than the gate ... those bars seem to be where I belong. It's where murderers like me belong … behind bars.

Jedikiah needs a capable nurse and medical supplies. They give me the mission. I'm relieved to get out of the Lair for a short time, but when Stephen tells me to go get his mom, Marla, it's a task I instantly dread. I thought standing by and waiting was bad, but this is worse. Going to get the wife of the man I shot, so that she can help bring him back? She's been in the dark about all this, how do I explain what is going on? I don't really understand it either. Add to that the emotional drain and strain I've been under since this all began and there is very little I can come up with to put it into words.

Again, time is moving at a snail's pace. Did this subway just slow down? Not only can I not answer her questions ... she needs to see for herself ... but the more time it takes the less likely it is that Roger will pull through. She's very gently trying to get information from me and seems to be trying to comfort me. I still can't look her in the eyes. Just like the last time when I talked to her about not forcing Stephen to leave and she mentioned Roger. If she knew the truth, she would get as far away from me as possible.

At long last I teleport her into the Lair, I lead her over to the training area that is being transformed into a makeshift surgical room. Stephen comes over to greet her and finally reveal why she's here.

Marla asks me for more light and of course I respond right away finding a spare light that is bright and can be moved easily.

Once they have started the operation to remove the bullet, the only thing I can do is pace. I can't get too close, but can't be too far away. I need to know what is happening. Everything seems to be taking forever ... he doesn't have that much time!

I want to run away screaming, but can't leave without knowing if Jed can do it. I know he will do everything in his power, but will it be enough?

Finally Stephen has returned from wherever he ran off to. It was something important Jedikiah sent him to do, but I don't know what. Something related to bringing Roger back.

"What happened? Did it work?" I immediately ask Stephen. He quickly responds with a "I don't know" and goes to his Dad's side.

Marla and Jed have done all they can, now it's up to Roger.

Then it happens ... there's a beep, then another one. Is that? Could it be?

"It's a heartbeat," Marla says. "It's faint, but it's a heartbeat."

Cara looks at me, but all I can do is stare at the scene in front of me. She leans into me and gives me a supportive half-hug. Since letting her into the darkness of my mind, she knows how much this would mean to me.

Wish I could match the feeling of joy I see on Stephen's and Marla's faces, but it's still too soon. I'm still trying to work it out in my mind. Am I truly absolved if the man I killed lives again? If he's been cryogenically frozen since that day, was he ever really and truly dead?

Staying behind these bars, I watch and wait like everyone else, except there is so much more at stake for me. They got a heart beat, but now will he open his eyes? Will he wake up and walk out of here?

Come on, Roger! We need you now more than ever.

I hold onto these bars, they are my lifeline right now. In my periphery, I see Jed come over to me. He says something about being able to breath again. I spare a cursory glance to him then return to willing Roger to open his eyes. Jedikiah confirms that it's only a matter of time before Roger wakes up.

He stands there looking at me waiting for a response. He's almost in my direct line of sight, but I can still see Roger over his shoulder. How do I tell him that I don't dare to hope that Roger living will absolve me? That everything will be fine if that happens?

"I just can't get my head around it," I tell him.

"Well get your head around this," he says, "Roger's alive."

I look at him again hardly able to believe what he's telling me.

"You're absolved, kid. How does that make you feel?" He grins like this should make everything all right. He seems to genuinely want to know.

"I don't know" is about the only way I can respond to that.

His words resonate in my head _"__You__'__re absolved, kid.__"_ Jedikiah said it with a smile. Like it's just that easy? What about the six years that I've lived with killing him? How those have haunted me? Yes, he's breathing, but he needs to do more than that or he might as well still be dead. It's going to take a little bit more than just Roger breathing to make up for it.

"I mean if he opens his eyes and walks out of here ..." I start to say as I again keep my focus on Roger. Then Jedikiah shocks me by asking if I'll forgive him. I can hardly believe he asked it, but when I look at him, he seems completely sincere in wanting it.

"We'll see," is all I can offer.


End file.
